Between the book I’m currently reading, Sacred Contracts by Caroline Myss, and a clip I found of Will Smith…. I’ve managed to make sense of a self destructive pattern I sometimes (and by sometimes I mean, basically religiously) experience.
Will smith said something along the lines of… sometimes when he feels truly at peace, he will suddenly feel boredom. And so to ail that boredom, he has an impulse to turn on the news. But he HATES the news because it is aggravating to him. So why the impulse? Why does he have the impulse to instantly WANT to watch something he knows he doesn’t like? Why does he WANT to experience something that’s out of alignment with who he feels he is. I really identified with this because I feel that we all partake in this behaviour. Maybe it’s not the news for some. Maybe it’s going out for drinks or watching tv, leading someone on when you don’t have a serious interest, mindlessly scrolling through Facebook or creating an endless stream of Snapchat stories (um- guilty).
The point is… He realized that when he reaches for the remote to watch the news, knowing that he hates it, what he’s actually doing is inviting disruption to the peace he has created and is experiencing. Inner peace is such an uncommon, foreign feeling that we knowingly (or unknowingly) reach out to things that cause discomfort in our lives because it is a familiar distraction. We are biologically programmed to want to survive- so that explains why comfort zones are so safe and important to us. Unfortunately, the comfort zones we have created for ourselves or were born into may not have been the healthiest. So even though we KNOW it’s bad for us… we can justify settling for it because “hey, we’ve survived this far right?”.
He said we need to “cultivate an acquired taste for peace”. Wow.
Those words were so powerful to me because I often find myself in the shittiest of situations RIGHT AFTER I’m in a state of peace. And I’m realizing now that this is because I (my ego) *thinks* I can only take so much of peace before I need to experience a more familiar state of being.
I think the feeling of being in a crisis, turmoil, fear, heartbreak, disappointment or shame have become more common on both an individual and collective level and it’s almost like our reset point or default that we feel we need to always revisit when things are finally peaceful.
For me, I’ve realized that when I step out of alignment with who I know I am, aside from the fact that it feels shitty- I’m also providing myself an opportunity to test my survival skills. In a super fucked up, backwards way… I somehow justify gambling peace for an opportunity to become my very own lab rat at my own risk. And while I’m all about analyzing your path and decisions to see the “lesson” to work on your spiritual evolvement… as I get older I’m realizing that it’s absolute BS that anyone should ever feel they NEED to be untrue to themselves just for the opportunity to put themselves back together so they can feel whole again.
So I guess what I’m saying is, I’ve realized that sometimes self destruction doesn’t happen because people hate themselves or don’t give a shit. Maybe they do care. Maybe they care too much about everyone and everything. Maybe these people have gotten so good at picking up broken pieces that it has become their sense of familiar accomplishment. Ironically enough, self destruction is just a reminder for these people, that they are indestructible. Because every time… they survive.
In the book I’m reading, Sacred Contracts, a paragraph reads “a strong sense of self can sense when it is going in the right direction and when it is knocking on the wrong door. When you know yourself, you know exactly when you are not being true to yourself”.
Examining your patterns and trying to understand your good and bad choices with a sense of compassion is so crucial. I honestly feel like that is the entire point of life. I’m not “pro self destruction”- if anything I don’t think it is in any way healthy. But I more so just wanted to bring a fresh perspective to the table as to why someone may be subconsciously participating in that behaviour as I was or sometimes do.
At the end of the day I do feel that we are operating in ways that helps us cope and survive to the best of our abilities but that doesn’t mean what we’re doing isn’t hurting ourselves or those around us. So I’m going to challenge myself to really sit with the feeling of peace the next time I feel it instead of thinking it’s “boredom” and acting impulsively, brushing it off, or inviting any kind of disruption that Will spoke about and I challenge you to join me!
That’s all for now