Remember That Time I Created a Blog and Totally Forgot To Update It?

F.

Okay so, I’m consistently inconsistent BUT… I came back so that’s gotta count for something. Right? I’ll try and update more- I was definitely called out by my friend. So this is me putting effort back into writing because apparently, according to my grade 12 English class teacher and 2 friends- I’m like, really good at it *hairflip*.

It’s pretty damn hot out today. It’s been hot the past couple of days and I’m pretty sure my sunburnt back is going to start peeling, Goldmember style at any given moment. For those of you who don’t know who Goldmember is, you really need to brush up on your Austin Powers references. (That used to be my favourite movie in like, sixth grade which… in hindsight… is mildly disturbing).

Anyways- it’s HOT. So I’m seeking shelter inside my cool living room in a dark room with the glow of this laptop light on my face like the half hermit soul I am. I felt the need to write something but now, since I am talking about heat-here is my favourite video (click link) my friend and I always quote when it is 91 THOUSAND DAMN DEGREES. I find it hilarious. Because it is. So there’s something funny for all ten of my loyal readers. And for my friend who called me out for being ADD and dropping the ball on my blog- You tha real MVP. I’ll step my game up.  Promise.

Jesus Be a Rain Drop (or central air),

Meg X.

 

 

 

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The Feels

If you’re an empath- that title can either excite you or scare the hell out of you. Because when it comes to feeling shit, most empaths feel deeply and extremely. This is why, even reading a title called “The Feels” could possibly make you feel intoxicatingly amazing and full of excitement and hope or absolutely horrified and uncomfortable. Every empath is different and some have the ability to even read words and just “feel” or “know” the emotion behind the written text- even over the internet. I can’t scientifically explain this, but it’s real for me and I know it’s real for a lot of other people out there as well.

I am an empath, or at least, I possess a lot of empath qualities.


I can emotionally and sometimes physically feel, know or unexplainably sense things about people around me. At first it was only with close friends and family, most of my messages came through in dreams growing up. I think that’s when I first became interested with metaphysics, dreams, philosophy, the universe and self mastery. As I got older it was no longer people in my present life, but people from my past that I had lost contact with who I would sense were going through something difficult.

     I have a theory that when we emotionally bare our heart’s honest truth in a mutual exchange with another being we form a very sacred energetic connection that has the potential to remain invisibly connected throughout our lives. Just because we can’t fully understand this or provide proof, doesn’t mean there isn’t an undiscovered universal law governing this phenomenon. I think it can happen between mother and child, lovers and friends. In nature, this exchange happens effortlessly. But like I said, that’s just a theory.

I started acting on my impulses by sending messages whenever I felt the need, no matter how “out there” it seemed. More often than not, I was met with “how did you know?” or “that’s so funny you should message me because…” which I needed to hear because it made me feel a little less crazy.

So I had to wonder… if this was happening with me, who else was it happening with?  Suddenly I felt a longing for my “tribe”. People who understood without words. Although I think it’s something anyone can do, I think most deny themselves of tapping into this gift.

Presently, while still receiving the majority of my messages through dreams, I am very aware of patterns, numbers, “coincidences” my and my feelings have gone beyond emotional in  nature and into physical sensations. For example feeling a pain in my hand only to find out later my nanny hurt her hand in that same spot. The most recent event that happened in regards to my empath abilities was moving someone else’s luggage and feeling a distinct emotion and chill straight through my body when I touched the bag. I knew right away this emotion was not mine that was attached to the belongings, but what I’ll call “energetic residue” (this happened yesterday!). It feels like the more I recognize my awareness of these events, the more incidences occur. Another symptom I feel is lightheaded dizziness, usually happens during a kiss or intimate conversation when someone is being very lovingly raw, honest, and vulnerable with their feelings and the feeling is reciprocated on my end. That’s usually the best feeling ever- so there are some perks!

Looking back, when I was little I always preferred staying at my house as opposed to my friends. I felt uncomfortable because I was picking up on the energy of the house and people living in there. You know that speech before the vacuum gets busted out “pull your shit together- we have company coming over!” – the thing all families do before guests arrive? Well there was no pulling the wool over my eyes (well, third eye I guess). I could almost always tell when something was up- I would notice things like non verbal communication between parents, siblings or sometimes just feel… off. Even the smells of new places seemed very overwhelming and a lot to take in. I can remember I used to hate grocery stores as a kid and a K mart in Trenton- the smells, people, crowds… sometimes it was just a lot.  But being a kid, I just figured either that was normal or I was just a total fucking weirdo – sooo naturally,  I usually kept these thoughts to myself.

Looking back, I could sense authentic energy then and I can still sense it now. Because of that, I find small talk incredibly difficult, because I know when someone is bullshitting me.

This conscious inner awareness has become my greatest compass for inner direction but it took me several years to understand what the hell was happening, why I felt so deeply and if what I was feeling were even my feelings or the feelings of those around me. You can imagine that not knowing if an emotion is yours or not would make for a very confusing time in my life, all while trying to discover who I am as an individual and wanting so badly to fill my ego’s need of living and knowing my purpose. Mix heartbreak and alcohol in there and it was basically a recipe for a downhill disaster. I had a few solid years where I was sort of lost and had to rebuild my sense of self. It was good for self exploration purposes, and I met a lot of amazing people who became teachers. Honestly looking back, my demise was necessary. But I overstayed my welcome at rock bottom. Sometimes, I drank to simply self soothe and escape the overwhelming emotions.  In the mix of all of this, in attempts to distract myself from feeling what I needed to feel, I got tied up into a very unhealthy relationship. But I will save for another, darker chapter.

My point is:  shit is going to happen. But you have to get real with what you choose to do next. Because fighting for yourself is one battle that should never end in defeat at your expense.

Without first having a solid sense of who you are, and surrounding yourself with the right people, being an empath can be an extremely difficult task. It can definitely feel more like a curse than a blessing at first. And it will confuse you and those in your life until you learn to master your gift. So what happened? How did I start to make the switch? Well as I mentioned in my last post, before any big change (And just after emotionally hitting rock bottom) you need to sit in the shitstorm that is your life and get quiet. Listen. Be gentle. Accept where you are and do not judge yourself.

Here’s what happened when I got quiet: Answers came to me. Sometimes in pictures in my mind, or a resonating thought accompanied by a very powerful physiological response that felt good. I began to stop telling myself things were coincidences and brushed off people comments that weren’t supportive of my reality. I started believing in my messages that came through in dreams, symbols, numbers, patterns. I started putting faith in myself and instead of fearing my intense emotions I would start embracing them and really interacting with that feeling. And asking myself “Is this mine? Why am I feeling this? Where is it coming from?”. These little tips and tricks helped me feel like I was taking my power back. Around this time, I started meeting other people that are very sensitive as well which was beautifully timed as they indirectly taught me how to ground or at the very least show myself love and compassion. I spent time only with people who I could have serious conversations with. I basically spent a lot of time to myself journaling and re-evaluating where I was, how I got there, what I learned, where I wanted to go and who I wanted to keep in my circle or thank and move on from.

Please remember that your inner child is always still inside of your heart. Check in on yourself as you would if you were watching out for a little one. “Who are you spending time with?  Do you owe anyone an apology? Did you eat your damn veggies?” Start building a relationship with yourself where you hold some accountability for your actions. This exercise is an act of self love.

I don’t believe in discounting intuition as “coincidence”. Human consciousness and invisible energetic connections fascinate me beyond words, and being someone who is extremely sentient, I can’t help but feel there are still massive leaps ahead for us in regards to scientific discoveries of human consciousness and energy. So yes, I believe in the unprovable simply because I feel it. And that is enough for me.    

In the real world, you can see where this would cause someone problems. Especially a younger soul just figuring out who they are as a person. It cost me some of my friendships, relationships and probably some of my sanity. But through the storm I have come out a little wiser and all I can do now is share my truth in hopes of helping the next young empath trying to figure it out. It’s gonna to be okay. And I hope that’s one truth you can feel.

That’s all for today. Oh and PS:


Meg

X.

 

 

The Art of Loving The Shit Out of Yourself

During my earlier years, I put immense pressure on myself to narrow down who I thought I should be as a person.

Knowing what I know now, that pressure I was referring to was from my ego. I was very attached to the idea of who I felt I needed to be, or who I thought others in my life needed me to be.  I think to some degree, we all feel this nagging pressure in one way or another. And it’s totally fucked up that we torture ourselves like this.

Although our egos are not completely a bad thing, in my experience, narrowing down who I thought I needed to be while clinging to my ego’s desires became a very restrictive form of self limitation during my early adulthood. The struggle… was real. And although its something everyone goes through, it is an inner battle that is faced completely alone.

     Little did I know, I was denying myself a divine opportunity to discover who I was in hopes of avoiding becoming the “wrong” person.

I tried my absolute best to bury the qualities I did not love, accept or approve of within myself. And slowly, the deeper I buried these feelings of unworthiness, the more I did not accept those very qualities in those around me, mostly due to a subconscious resentment towards people who could lead loving happy lives. That’s how I felt at the time. And I’m in no way saying I was right or proud in believing that. But that was my reality and it suffocated not only myself, but those closest to me*

(those close enough to call me on my bullshit*)

The truth is, I used to hate the fact that I was a little bit of everything all rolled into one. And yes, I just shamelessly quoted Meredith Brook’s “Bitch” (great song by the way). I denied the essence of who I was in order to appease who I felt I needed to be, or who I should be: someone who had their shit together. I thought I was doing myself a favour by denying my imperfect parts or the parts of myself who wanted to make mistakes but was too afraid. I felt grey in the projected elite black and white world I had created in my mind.

To me, grey did not stand for anything. This was exactly my worst fear. Being an  innately emotionally transparent person who leads with her heart, I admired the people who were so black and white. They seemed to have more control, direction and sense of who they were. They seemed strong willed, determined and did a really great job at selling the whole “I’ve totally got my shit together” vibe. A lie I wanted so badly to sell but something I couldn’t fake if my life depended on it. So here is what I learned:

     Admitting my vulnerability was not something I was ready to do because it was not a quality I had learned to accept or love within myself. I wanted to be tough and collected but I later realized and embraced that my real strength was in my softness and fluidity.


The truth is, overall, I really am more of a grey area person. But now, I don’t see it as such a bad thing because grey allows room for possibilities. Grey can be non restrictive, open and subjective. Grey is my favourite color (shade, whatever) and now the name of my cat (ironically enough, an animal I never thought I would own or whole heartedly love in my life).

     We can learn a million things in life, we can gain new skills or adopt new habits- which is great. But when it comes to loving the shit out of ourselves, I think we have to unlearn. We have to let go of our expectations and just love the shit out of ourselves, exactly as we are, how we are right this second- imperfections included. So if you’re lost- that’s your starting point: unconditional acceptance.

Questions worth asking yourself might be: what qualities do I dislike in others? Really sit with that one, because we all possess the same qualities. Chances are if you dislike qualities about someone, you really dislike that aspect of them you see reflected in yourself. Another question: what quality about yourself do you have a hard time being accepting of and why? For me it was my vulnerability. And my “why” was partially due to the fact that being vulnerable meant being exposed or having little to no control. And as I explained, control was very much a primary ego need I was feeding. Are any of the qualities you are having trouble accepting about yourself conflicting with your ego’s needs? How can you invite more love into that situation? That is up to you. But recognizing where you can invite more acceptance into your life is a great place to start.

I really encourage anyone who is trying to remember how to love themselves to get quiet and just be with you, as you are, right now. Be gentle with yourself. Grab a pen and paper. See what thoughts come up. Write whatever you want and carefully examine your thoughts and feelings from a non judgemental stand point. Sit with your heartbreaks, your let downs, your successes. Recognize who your teammates are. Recognize that even our enemies can be our greatest teachers. Start consciously observing your life and be appreciative of the events, the people, the patterns and lessons.

      I believe that we already have the answers we seek. It’s just a matter of getting quiet enough to listen for them. They aren’t going to arrive in a pretty package. So grab a seat, get comfortable and sit in the shitstorm that is your life and just. listen. love. and accept without judgement. 

Nothing that lasts is built from a weak foundation so get serious and dive into your core and get to lovin the shit our of yourself, deep from the inside out ❤

That’s all I’ve got for today.

Love you long time,

Meg x.